What is a colonoscopy like?
Short answer: totally not bad at all!
I had a have a colonoscopy and was enraged when everyone I
asked about it who had one before would answer “it’s totally no big deal!”
I
was like, “Are you insane? They shove a camera in there!!!! How can that not be
a big deal?!?!!?”
Well, it wasn’t a big deal.
I was given a prescription for laxative. It was powder and a
big plastic jug that was a little over 1 gallon. Add water to the jug and
powder and you’ve got literally over a gallon of laxative to drink.
I added the water and mixed it up like the instructions said
and then took 16 red disposable plastic party cups and filled them up. I was
going to ease of drinking. I had to do this because my powder as not flavored.
I’ve heard people get cherry or pineapple. Mine was unflavored and I gagged
just smelling it. That freaked me out: how can I drink 16 of these cups when I
can’t even smell it without gagging loudly?
Anyway, I commenced to drink liquids throughout the day and
not eat anything. Lots of liquids. Water and arctic cherry Gatorade (which is a
clear drink—no red or colored drinks allowed). I had to drink one bottle per
hour, so I made sure to stock up and get a bunch of bottles.
Now, my procedure was set for first thing in the morning, so
the instructions were to drink a bottle of liquid every hour on the hour, then
at midnight drink 8 cups of laxative; then at 3:30am drink the other 8 of the
cups of laxative. Each cup had to be swilled down with a 15-minute break in
between. It was extremely difficult to do because of the horrible taste (like
salty used dishwater). I would drink half a cup while holding my nose, gag, sip
a little Gatorade, then finish the cup. Repeat every 15 minutes until all 8
cups, then the other 8 cups were all gone.
So, what happen with literally more than a gallon of liquid
laxative on an empty stomach? Nothing. I could feel my stomach sloshing around
when I walked (which was actually probably the liquid being retained in the colon).
It felt like I filled a plastic shopping bag with water and strapped it to my
belly. Nothing happened, and I went to bed and dozed off.
Around 5am I woke up and still nothing. I actually was using
the bathroom less than normal (and normal was bad—thus the need for the colonoscopy).
Finally, I was so worried because I new I had an early appointment I got up and
walked around the house a few times. Then it hit me and I ran to the restroom. All
1.1 gallons swooshed out without any cramps or even trying. It was totally
painless. Again, when you’re used to going 7-9 times a day and it’s unpleasant,
this experience was really nice.
After sitting there for quite a while and then showering I
took another nap.
I woke up and showered again and dressed in a track suit.
Then I was driven by a family member to the doctor’s office. Super nervous
time!!!!!
I went into the office and was immediately ushered into the
prep room. A nurse told me to take all my clothes off except socks and put them
into a big plastic bag. Then put on a gown. I did this and she returned and had
me lay down.
She took my blood pressure and pulse. Then she put a catheter
into the top of my hand. This is a needle with a plastic thingy so that any
other needles (the anesthesia) gets plugged into the catheter instead of using
more pokey needles. The catheter was taped down to the top of my hand with
medical tape.
Then she said, “OK, it’s time to wheel you into…THE PROCEDURE
ROOM”. At which point I almost threw up I was so nervous. Luckily my stomach
was empty. Also I only had socks and a hospital gown on so I couldn’t run away.
They wheeled me laying down into the Procedure Room and a new
lady (who was the anesthesiologist) said hello and that she would be monitoring
my heart and breathing. She took my blood pressure and pulse and then said, “OK,
lie on your side”; and I thought: Oh man, here it comes. But nothing happened.
She was just monitoring how my blood pressure changed while lying on my side.
Then she said lay back down and monitored everything some more.
IT BEGINS
After a little while of this she said, “OK, I’m going to
start the medications now”. Then she plugged some IV lines into the catheter thingy
and flipped a switch.
I looked at my hand and she asked if anything was wrong. I
said “No, I just felt a little pinchy feeling, but I think it’s just the tape
on the catheter pulling the hair on the top of my hand. No biggie.”
She laughed and said that it might actually be the medicines.
Then she handed me my shoes.
You read that right: they started the medicine; I felt a
tingle in my hand--and they handed me my shoes. I looked down and I was already
dressed (minus shoes).
IT ENDS
For a split second before I looked down at my feet I saw the
catheter taped to the top of my hand, and then it blinked and turned into a bright
neon green bandage. That was moment in-between. The started the medicine; I
looked at my hand; I blacked out; they did the procedure; I got dressed; and
they handed me my shoes as I was starting to become truly conscious. Neato!
I was about to yell “you made me drink all that horrible
tasting laxative and you’re not even going to do the procedure?!?!?” but then I
thought, “these idiots didn’t do the procedure but think they did, now’s my
chance to sneak out of here!!!!”
Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t on the table and was
fully dressed and in some other room so they must have done the procedure.
Woah! No falling asleep and no waking up. It was just a blink and you’re
dressed and leaving.
As I was holding my shoes and marveling at how cool it all
was my ride peaked into the room and said “what are you doing? Put your shoes
on and let’s go!”
I said “OK, yeah…um, I’m hungry let’s get burgers on the way
home!”
A split second later we were at the order window at Wendy’s
ordering a Bacon Burger. We started to pull up to the payment window and all of
a sudden, BAM: I was standing in the
living room and my burger all eaten up and my drink half gone! I was like “who
the heck ate my food!” I did, I just didn’t remember. It was a sliding wall of
amnesia for about an hour.
My ride asked if I remembered talking to the doctors and
nurses. I said no! What about the juice and cookies? I said, “someone must have
stolen them because I didn’t get any juice or cookies!” My ride said that they sat
with me while I ate them. Woah! Amnesia!
A few days later I did remember being bundled up with my
feet near a window. Is this a false memory or just a slice of what really happened?
A long time later and I haven’t remembered anything else.
WRAP UP
So what’s a colonoscopy like? They turn on the medicine,
then you’re magically dressed and leaving. A time machine. It’s not like on TV
were the screen fades to black and then fades to light again. It’s like that
old TV show Bewitched: a twitch of the nose and the whole room and
circumstances instantly change (and you get to leave immediately).
No falling asleep. No waking up. Just a literal blink of an
eye and you’re leaving the room.
FYI: in the visit before the colonoscopy my doctor asked “how
sedated” did I want to be. I was like: 100% please! They said for 100% they’d
have to reschedule and do that downtown at the bigger hospital, so instead they
would do like 90-95%. Man, it was like 100% x a thousand!
The take away: if the government offered to pay me the same
salary I make now, but instead of going to work I’d have to get a colonoscopy once a
week--I’d seriously consider it. It’s that not bad.
